An Open Letter to my Neighbors

Dear Neighbor,

First, I'd like to apologize for accidentally setting off our alarm system last week. Twice. In a matter of one minute. But you know how annoying those things are and I was just trying to turn ours off.

Anyway, I was just wondering about something. Have you taken up lifting weights? If so, I've heard you should work out in the morning and not when you're about to go to bed. So one would think that working out in the middle of the night and then dropping the weights on the floor every minute or so would be an even worse idea. A very bad idea.

Or maybe you just really like slamming doors. A lot. Repeatedly. I'm imagining that your mom was very strict about noise when you were a child. You had to walk around very quietly and wear socks all the time and gently close drawers and doors. Because I cannot think of another rational reason why anyone in their right mind would need to slam doors as incessantly as you seem to.

I've thought about banging on the walls when this happens, but since we've barely set eyes on each other, I didn't want to become that kind of a neighbor. It would just be awkward the next time I was leaving the house and you were coming home and you barely made eye contact with me as I try to smile. I'm pretty sure that would just ruin our very fragile neighborly relationship, also called "totally ignoring each other."

Yours sincerely,
Tiffany