An Open Letter to Every Single Type of Media

Dear Media,

Okay. We get it. The economy sucks. People are losing jobs, companies are going out of business, foreclosed houses are everywhere; democrats are blaming it on republicans and republicans on democrats. It's Bush's fault. It's Obama's fault. It's the fault of the banks--no, it's the fault of the consumers for buying what they can't afford.

And now all the other media outlets (advertising, movies, etc) have also jumped on the bandwagon and are reminding us constantly that the economy is in the toilet with their new, lower prices or their somber movies or their happy movies.

Sigh.

The reason I'm writing this letter is that I have an idea. It's a simple one that will only last 24 hours. Here goes:

On July 6, I think every single media outlet or type of mass communication should implement a moratorium on talking about the economy. Don't say anything about stocks, unemployment or bailouts. Don't even advertise "new, lower prices" on products for sale. Don't tell us about a great deal on a new car because the economy is bad. We don't want to hear it. Give us 24 blissful hours of escapism. Twenty-four hours of stress-free lives that will harken back to the good ol' days of summer 2008.

I think we could all use the break.

Yours sincerely,
Tiffany

An Open Letter to my Neighbors

Dear Neighbor,

First, I'd like to apologize for accidentally setting off our alarm system last week. Twice. In a matter of one minute. But you know how annoying those things are and I was just trying to turn ours off.

Anyway, I was just wondering about something. Have you taken up lifting weights? If so, I've heard you should work out in the morning and not when you're about to go to bed. So one would think that working out in the middle of the night and then dropping the weights on the floor every minute or so would be an even worse idea. A very bad idea.

Or maybe you just really like slamming doors. A lot. Repeatedly. I'm imagining that your mom was very strict about noise when you were a child. You had to walk around very quietly and wear socks all the time and gently close drawers and doors. Because I cannot think of another rational reason why anyone in their right mind would need to slam doors as incessantly as you seem to.

I've thought about banging on the walls when this happens, but since we've barely set eyes on each other, I didn't want to become that kind of a neighbor. It would just be awkward the next time I was leaving the house and you were coming home and you barely made eye contact with me as I try to smile. I'm pretty sure that would just ruin our very fragile neighborly relationship, also called "totally ignoring each other."

Yours sincerely,
Tiffany

An Open Letter to Kate Hudson

Dear Kate Hudson,

I was watching Bride Wars the other day and I was pretty sure you were in it. I mean, it had your name on the box and all the posters I'd seen. But all I could see was a face obscured by ginormous blond bangs. What happened there, exactly? I know bangs have come back in style for a select demographic, but I thought that was limited to hipsters and 11-year-old girls.

Anyway, I just wanted to alert you and let you know that what appears to be a large blond wig has totally stolen your name and is starring in a movie about weddings and brides that hate each other. You might want to alert the Screen Actors Guild.

Yours sincerely,
Tiffany

An Open Letter to Pixar

Dear Pixar,

I'm willing to bet that everyone on your staff ate a lot of great kid's cereal growing up. Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops and maybe Frosted Flakes. I say this because cereal plays a large part during a person's childhood--larger than people generally acknowledge. You always hear stories of adults wishing they still got toys in their cereal, but do you ever hear stories of people feeling nostalgic about eating mashed potatoes while watching Saturday morning cartoons? No.

The reason I bring this up is because only people who had sugar-filled Saturday mornings as a kid could still have enough imagination and childlike wonder to develop the movies that come out of Pixar. And for that, I thank you. Seriously--a man ties thousands of balloons to his house so he can go to South America! Even the balloons look like sugary, colorful cereal! Okay, it's a stretch, but you get my point.

I wasn't so sure about you all at first. I'm a fan of the classic Disney movies with their hand-drawn animation. But each time you come out with a new movie, I'm in awe at the simple, yet brilliant, plot lines.

So here's my only suggestion: You know when someone becomes an expert at something and they hold seminars so they can teach others? Pixar should start doing that and inviting me. Just a thought. I'd sit in a hotel ballroom all day, without windows and only the occasional bathroom break just to learn how your brains work. You should also serve really sugary cereals at these things.

Yours sincerely,
Tiffany

An Open Letter to Blog Readers

Dear readers,

I really like letters. Actually, I guess I should say I like emails, because hardly anyone writes "real" letters anymore. But have you ever seen a movie, watched a TV show, eaten at a restaurant or even seen a complete stranger--and you wanted to write a letter about it? Well, this is what this blog is about.

I think most of what is written about celebrities these days is very negative, and although I won't promise I'll never do that, I do promise to attempt a positive attitude as often as possible. I also realize that people don't really care what I think about an actor or movie or whatever, but it's still fun to write about. And if they don't care, that's fine. They can go read something else.

So here we go: Open letters to the world.

Yours sincerely,
Tiffany