Dear Codependent Facebook Couples,
Hey guys! How's it going? I heard you both just got a Facebook account. Actually, I noticed that you got one on the news feed. But I thought it was weird because instead of having two separate accounts, you got one together and just put "and" in the middle of your names. Like JaneAndJoe Smith.
Umm...about that. Have you ever seen those couples that wear matching outfits? Or whenever they play games in a group, they absolutely have to be on the same team or they get upset? Or how about those couples that suddenly become incredibly boring if their other half isn't with them?
Yeah, they're also the type who share a Facebook account.
I mean, I can kind of see why you'd share an account. You share a bank account and all...
No, actually I changed my mind. It's just stupid. No two ways about it. I understand the whole "two become one" thing, but I'm pretty sure God wasn't talking about Facebook when He dictated the terms of marriage. To me, it just says that either one of you is too lazy to keep up with your own profile or you are so completely codependent that you share even non-shareable things.
So how about it? How about prying open a crevice between the two of you and creating separate accounts? I promise, you'll love the chance to post your own favorite movies, quotes and random information. You can even start your own farm on Farmville and harvest watermelons all day.
Sincerely,
Tiffany
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
An Open Letter to Robin Williams
Dear Mr. Williams,
I watched a preview for one of your upcoming movies yesterday. Oh Robin (May I call you Robin?). You are like a pizza topped with feta cheese and sardines. You take a bite and taste wonderful feta. Then you take another bite and find a sardine and wonder why you subject yourself to such things.
You see, I'll watch a movie like Dead Poets Society and I think "Ah, Robin Williams. Such a great actor!" Then I remember Bicentennial Man and wonder how I was talked into watching that sardine of a movie. Then there is a movie like Good Will Hunting and you talk me into liking you again. Then I watch Man of the Year and I'm doubting your taste and sanity again.
But I'm not here just to offer criticism and call you a pizza. I'm here with a solution. I believe that one of the reasons artists (actors, musicians, graphic artists, etc) often make such fowl decisions regarding their art is that they aren't able to make rational decisions while they're in the trenches. What you need is an outside observer--someone whose opinion has not been clouded by the Hollywood machine or the L.A. atmosphere. In other words, you need me.
The next time someone sends you a script about a 45-year-old man who is going through a mid-life crisis and decides to join a roller derby and then finds his true self after eight weeks of tough love--give me a call. Let me read the script and I'll hit you over the head with it and help you realize that just because a script is different or controversial, doesn't mean it's good. Just walk away.
Make wise decisions Robin.
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
I watched a preview for one of your upcoming movies yesterday. Oh Robin (May I call you Robin?). You are like a pizza topped with feta cheese and sardines. You take a bite and taste wonderful feta. Then you take another bite and find a sardine and wonder why you subject yourself to such things.
You see, I'll watch a movie like Dead Poets Society and I think "Ah, Robin Williams. Such a great actor!" Then I remember Bicentennial Man and wonder how I was talked into watching that sardine of a movie. Then there is a movie like Good Will Hunting and you talk me into liking you again. Then I watch Man of the Year and I'm doubting your taste and sanity again.
But I'm not here just to offer criticism and call you a pizza. I'm here with a solution. I believe that one of the reasons artists (actors, musicians, graphic artists, etc) often make such fowl decisions regarding their art is that they aren't able to make rational decisions while they're in the trenches. What you need is an outside observer--someone whose opinion has not been clouded by the Hollywood machine or the L.A. atmosphere. In other words, you need me.
The next time someone sends you a script about a 45-year-old man who is going through a mid-life crisis and decides to join a roller derby and then finds his true self after eight weeks of tough love--give me a call. Let me read the script and I'll hit you over the head with it and help you realize that just because a script is different or controversial, doesn't mean it's good. Just walk away.
Make wise decisions Robin.
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
Monday, July 27, 2009
An Open Letter to Time Warner Cable
Dear Time Warner Cable,
I have been a loyal customer for three years. Before that, I grew up in a home that had TWC. I reveled in the glory of Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel. But during all these years of on-time payments and loyal patronage, you seem to have forgotten that it's not a good idea to annoy your customers to the brink of insanity. I always thought that was common sense.
If I were to go into detail about all the reasons that your company makes me want to throw my television at your metaphorical head, we'd be here quite a while. So let's just hit the major points and end with the incident that brings us to this point.
First, who the heck does your marketing? And why do you continue to pay them? Sometimes I have to wonder if the people developing your commercials are going for the small-town kitschy feel, but accidentally end up making commercials that are so fake, so cheap looking and so lacking of any creativity whatsoever, they make me wonder what I did to deserve such drivel. Seriously, tell them to stop trying to be cute, clever or funny and just tell us about your services. It's not that hard. And stop trying to make up catchy jingles that are really just ripoffs of that free credit report guy.
Speaking of your service, how about not making it crappy? Why is it that I can be one room away from my wireless router, but trying to check my email is like an Olympic event in patience? You call your internet service Roadrunner, and yet if the cartoon Roadrunner of Looney Tunes fame had been as ingratiatingly slow as your internet, the coyote would have eaten the bird in the first two seconds of the first cartoon.
Also, why do you insist on reconfiguring or updating or whatever the heck you do in the middle of the evening when everyone is watching TV? I know you obviously don't care that much about the convenience and happiness of your customers, but making it impossible to watch TV just shows horrible business sense.
Now, let's talk about your billing. Whenever I wanted to pay my bill online (and save your blasted company money on paper bills), I had to click through 14 pages just to log in and see my account. When I go to a website and indicate that I want to pay my bill by clicking on a "pay bill" button, it would make life a lot easier if doing so actually resulted in my being able to (...wait for it...) pay my bill. Don't make me continuously click button after button just so I can pay it. Did you not understand me the first time I clicked to indicate I wanted to pay? Let me get it over with and hand over my money for your horrible cable and internet service.
Now we come to the big finish. I moved this weekend and had to disconnect service. That meant I had to return the DVR, cable modem and the 3,405 wires that come with these. Since I was moving to Greensboro from Raleigh, I thought to myself: "Hey, I'll make life easier and just return this stuff in Greensboro. SURELY a company that provides internet service will be able to use said internet to connect all their customer information!"
But no. You don't. I waited in line for 20 minutes just to find out that Greensboro doesn't have access to my account information. I have to drive back to Raleigh to return everything.
Let's just pause and let the sheer stupidity of this sink in.
Now let's recap: A company that provides internet service doesn't have the capacity to allow their customers to return their equipment outside the original city it came from. You'd think that sometime in the last 10 years during the internet boom, a company would have found a way to display all sorts of information from all over the world in one place. Oh wait--that's the whole point of the internet. The internet that you provide.
You know what, I could go on and on about why your company drives me nuts. I could write 1,000 words laced with sarcasm on why I want satellite instead of cable. But I'll abstain.
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
PS You might be wondering, "Hey Tiffany, stop complaining and get cable from another company!" Oh, if wishing made it so. Time Warner is the only local provider.
I have been a loyal customer for three years. Before that, I grew up in a home that had TWC. I reveled in the glory of Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel. But during all these years of on-time payments and loyal patronage, you seem to have forgotten that it's not a good idea to annoy your customers to the brink of insanity. I always thought that was common sense.
If I were to go into detail about all the reasons that your company makes me want to throw my television at your metaphorical head, we'd be here quite a while. So let's just hit the major points and end with the incident that brings us to this point.
First, who the heck does your marketing? And why do you continue to pay them? Sometimes I have to wonder if the people developing your commercials are going for the small-town kitschy feel, but accidentally end up making commercials that are so fake, so cheap looking and so lacking of any creativity whatsoever, they make me wonder what I did to deserve such drivel. Seriously, tell them to stop trying to be cute, clever or funny and just tell us about your services. It's not that hard. And stop trying to make up catchy jingles that are really just ripoffs of that free credit report guy.
Speaking of your service, how about not making it crappy? Why is it that I can be one room away from my wireless router, but trying to check my email is like an Olympic event in patience? You call your internet service Roadrunner, and yet if the cartoon Roadrunner of Looney Tunes fame had been as ingratiatingly slow as your internet, the coyote would have eaten the bird in the first two seconds of the first cartoon.
Also, why do you insist on reconfiguring or updating or whatever the heck you do in the middle of the evening when everyone is watching TV? I know you obviously don't care that much about the convenience and happiness of your customers, but making it impossible to watch TV just shows horrible business sense.
Now, let's talk about your billing. Whenever I wanted to pay my bill online (and save your blasted company money on paper bills), I had to click through 14 pages just to log in and see my account. When I go to a website and indicate that I want to pay my bill by clicking on a "pay bill" button, it would make life a lot easier if doing so actually resulted in my being able to (...wait for it...) pay my bill. Don't make me continuously click button after button just so I can pay it. Did you not understand me the first time I clicked to indicate I wanted to pay? Let me get it over with and hand over my money for your horrible cable and internet service.
Now we come to the big finish. I moved this weekend and had to disconnect service. That meant I had to return the DVR, cable modem and the 3,405 wires that come with these. Since I was moving to Greensboro from Raleigh, I thought to myself: "Hey, I'll make life easier and just return this stuff in Greensboro. SURELY a company that provides internet service will be able to use said internet to connect all their customer information!"
But no. You don't. I waited in line for 20 minutes just to find out that Greensboro doesn't have access to my account information. I have to drive back to Raleigh to return everything.
Let's just pause and let the sheer stupidity of this sink in.
Now let's recap: A company that provides internet service doesn't have the capacity to allow their customers to return their equipment outside the original city it came from. You'd think that sometime in the last 10 years during the internet boom, a company would have found a way to display all sorts of information from all over the world in one place. Oh wait--that's the whole point of the internet. The internet that you provide.
You know what, I could go on and on about why your company drives me nuts. I could write 1,000 words laced with sarcasm on why I want satellite instead of cable. But I'll abstain.
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
PS You might be wondering, "Hey Tiffany, stop complaining and get cable from another company!" Oh, if wishing made it so. Time Warner is the only local provider.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
An Open Letter to Every Single Type of Media
Dear Media,
Okay. We get it. The economy sucks. People are losing jobs, companies are going out of business, foreclosed houses are everywhere; democrats are blaming it on republicans and republicans on democrats. It's Bush's fault. It's Obama's fault. It's the fault of the banks--no, it's the fault of the consumers for buying what they can't afford.
And now all the other media outlets (advertising, movies, etc) have also jumped on the bandwagon and are reminding us constantly that the economy is in the toilet with their new, lower prices or their somber movies or their happy movies.
Sigh.
The reason I'm writing this letter is that I have an idea. It's a simple one that will only last 24 hours. Here goes:
On July 6, I think every single media outlet or type of mass communication should implement a moratorium on talking about the economy. Don't say anything about stocks, unemployment or bailouts. Don't even advertise "new, lower prices" on products for sale. Don't tell us about a great deal on a new car because the economy is bad. We don't want to hear it. Give us 24 blissful hours of escapism. Twenty-four hours of stress-free lives that will harken back to the good ol' days of summer 2008.
I think we could all use the break.
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
Okay. We get it. The economy sucks. People are losing jobs, companies are going out of business, foreclosed houses are everywhere; democrats are blaming it on republicans and republicans on democrats. It's Bush's fault. It's Obama's fault. It's the fault of the banks--no, it's the fault of the consumers for buying what they can't afford.
And now all the other media outlets (advertising, movies, etc) have also jumped on the bandwagon and are reminding us constantly that the economy is in the toilet with their new, lower prices or their somber movies or their happy movies.
Sigh.
The reason I'm writing this letter is that I have an idea. It's a simple one that will only last 24 hours. Here goes:
On July 6, I think every single media outlet or type of mass communication should implement a moratorium on talking about the economy. Don't say anything about stocks, unemployment or bailouts. Don't even advertise "new, lower prices" on products for sale. Don't tell us about a great deal on a new car because the economy is bad. We don't want to hear it. Give us 24 blissful hours of escapism. Twenty-four hours of stress-free lives that will harken back to the good ol' days of summer 2008.
I think we could all use the break.
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
An Open Letter to my Neighbors
Dear Neighbor,
First, I'd like to apologize for accidentally setting off our alarm system last week. Twice. In a matter of one minute. But you know how annoying those things are and I was just trying to turn ours off.
Anyway, I was just wondering about something. Have you taken up lifting weights? If so, I've heard you should work out in the morning and not when you're about to go to bed. So one would think that working out in the middle of the night and then dropping the weights on the floor every minute or so would be an even worse idea. A very bad idea.
Or maybe you just really like slamming doors. A lot. Repeatedly. I'm imagining that your mom was very strict about noise when you were a child. You had to walk around very quietly and wear socks all the time and gently close drawers and doors. Because I cannot think of another rational reason why anyone in their right mind would need to slam doors as incessantly as you seem to.
I've thought about banging on the walls when this happens, but since we've barely set eyes on each other, I didn't want to become that kind of a neighbor. It would just be awkward the next time I was leaving the house and you were coming home and you barely made eye contact with me as I try to smile. I'm pretty sure that would just ruin our very fragile neighborly relationship, also called "totally ignoring each other."
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
First, I'd like to apologize for accidentally setting off our alarm system last week. Twice. In a matter of one minute. But you know how annoying those things are and I was just trying to turn ours off.
Anyway, I was just wondering about something. Have you taken up lifting weights? If so, I've heard you should work out in the morning and not when you're about to go to bed. So one would think that working out in the middle of the night and then dropping the weights on the floor every minute or so would be an even worse idea. A very bad idea.
Or maybe you just really like slamming doors. A lot. Repeatedly. I'm imagining that your mom was very strict about noise when you were a child. You had to walk around very quietly and wear socks all the time and gently close drawers and doors. Because I cannot think of another rational reason why anyone in their right mind would need to slam doors as incessantly as you seem to.
I've thought about banging on the walls when this happens, but since we've barely set eyes on each other, I didn't want to become that kind of a neighbor. It would just be awkward the next time I was leaving the house and you were coming home and you barely made eye contact with me as I try to smile. I'm pretty sure that would just ruin our very fragile neighborly relationship, also called "totally ignoring each other."
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
Sunday, June 14, 2009
An Open Letter to Kate Hudson
Dear Kate Hudson,
I was watching Bride Wars the other day and I was pretty sure you were in it. I mean, it had your name on the box and all the posters I'd seen. But all I could see was a face obscured by ginormous blond bangs. What happened there, exactly? I know bangs have come back in style for a select demographic, but I thought that was limited to hipsters and 11-year-old girls.
Anyway, I just wanted to alert you and let you know that what appears to be a large blond wig has totally stolen your name and is starring in a movie about weddings and brides that hate each other. You might want to alert the Screen Actors Guild.
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
Saturday, June 13, 2009
An Open Letter to Pixar
Dear Pixar,
I'm willing to bet that everyone on your staff ate a lot of great kid's cereal growing up. Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops and maybe Frosted Flakes. I say this because cereal plays a large part during a person's childhood--larger than people generally acknowledge. You always hear stories of adults wishing they still got toys in their cereal, but do you ever hear stories of people feeling nostalgic about eating mashed potatoes while watching Saturday morning cartoons? No.
The reason I bring this up is because only people who had sugar-filled Saturday mornings as a kid could still have enough imagination and childlike wonder to develop the movies that come out of Pixar. And for that, I thank you. Seriously--a man ties thousands of balloons to his house so he can go to South America! Even the balloons look like sugary, colorful cereal! Okay, it's a stretch, but you get my point.
I wasn't so sure about you all at first. I'm a fan of the classic Disney movies with their hand-drawn animation. But each time you come out with a new movie, I'm in awe at the simple, yet brilliant, plot lines.
So here's my only suggestion: You know when someone becomes an expert at something and they hold seminars so they can teach others? Pixar should start doing that and inviting me. Just a thought. I'd sit in a hotel ballroom all day, without windows and only the occasional bathroom break just to learn how your brains work. You should also serve really sugary cereals at these things.
Yours sincerely,
Tiffany
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